felling a little hmm...

so ok. I should be totally happy today. I got some really good news...but instead I am feeling really down.....really really down.

Sad...

I am having a really tough time today. I feel like my whole world is coming crashing down as I sit here and write. There is a thousand pound weight on my chest and I cannot breath. I try to hold back the tears and still they fall. My head hurts.

I just want this all to end. I am ready for the stuggle to be over. The last five years have been such a challenge. I finally thought things were looking up and I was going to graduate and finally have my degree I have been trying to get for so long. Not anymore.

I am standing between a rock and a hard place with no where to escape. Maybe Monday will bring some much needed information. Maybe then I will be able to understand why things have been going this way and what to do about it. I hope.

I need help with this situation. I can no longer support the thousand pound weight all alone. I have tried and my mind and body are giving out. People all have an opinion and think they know best - but none of their ideas have helped. I am exhausted.

I am not going to give up. I just need to remember - Monday will be here soon. I have waited since August - the wait is almost over. Hopefully after the appointment, things will start to slow down. I need a breather.

hmm...just thinking

So I don't blog all that much anymore.

But today I am really just needing to vent.

I have been thinking a lot today after I got some news from T's teacher. Ya know - I my life totally isn't going has I had planned. Growing up I didn't think that I would be a single mother...and after becoming one...I didn't think that I would still be a single mother when my child started kindergarten.

Growing up we all have our life plans...mine went something like this:

I would finish high school.
Go to college.
Get a degree.
Get married at 23.
Buy a house.
Have children.
Live happily ever after.

And in that order.

Truth is - 8 years out of high school:
I'm still in college at 26.
I have no potential for a long term relationship.
I'm renting an apartment.
I had a child alone at 20.
And today its not so happily ever after....maybe tomorrow will be different.

A thought to ponder...

Why is it that we - people in general - feel compelled to buy things we don't want, with money we don't have, to impress people we don't like?

We should be spending our time, energy and money on more important endeavors.

Today - Things are going to change...

I have been sick this semester and missed several classes. I am so far behind and I am getting really nervous about catching up. So - the answer is obvious - right - just get your stuff done.

Well...I am the type of person that shuts down when they feel too overwhelmed. I stop caring and basically give up. I just watch tv or play on the computer or find anything else to do - including laundry and dishes!- to not to my homework.

Bringing me to my blog title: "Today - Things are going to change." Today is get my life back on track day. I am going to do whatever it takes to get myself caught back up tonight.

Doing so will make me feel even less overwhelmed and even more motivated tomorrow!

A Visit to Grandma Great

I went with my mom to visit my Grandma yesterday. We had the pleasure of bringing along T, J, and K. As we were walking into the home I said to the children - "Guys you need to be quiet inside because the people that live here are old and some may be sleeping." T, with his 4-year-old logic said "Does that mean we are new?" We got a laugh out of that one.

J, J, and L were all there to visit Grandma too. So she had a lot of visitors today. We went to the Chapel to have some alone time. It was sure good to see her. She looked good. Mom asked Grandma if she wanted to go for a walk but let her know it was hot outside. Joan told her it was 95 degrees out and Grandma said that is hot - so that was good that she remembered that. Joan, Joe, Joy and all the kids did take Grandma for outside for just a few minutes.
When J, J and L left - we took Grandma back into the Chapel and sang with her. I think Grandma enjoyed that as much as the children did. She knew all the words to "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", "You are my Sunshine" and "Jesus Loves Me". She enjoyed watching the children and laughed at their sillyness a few times. I did take my camera and got a few good pictures. Grandma even told me when I got my pictures made that she would like me to make some for her too - so I will be doing that. After our almost 2 hour visit, it was obvious that Grandma was getting tired so the kids and I went for a drive. Mom used that time to spend a little time one on one with Grandma. It was a good visit.

We also stopped by Jill's house but no one was home so I will have to see their house some other time.

this week so far

So T has been having trouble staying asleep these last few nights. He will wake up and just scream. I am not sure what is going on with him - needless to say we haven't been on a normal sleep schedule around here. This has caused problems in the morning when we are supposed to get up and meet T's school bus. Well, Tuesday we missed the bus and I got in the car to take T to school at 11:45. My car started but something sort of popped and my car would not shut off. I took my car out to Ken's Alignment and he said it would cost a couple hundred dollars to get it fixed. I told him I would have to talk to my dad about it. Dad was not happy about the fact that I was having car troubles again. There was good news however - since the car was running I could take it out to Ipswich. So on a mini-road-trip I went. I drove out to Ipswich (which caused me to miss my class - but save me gas in my car). My dad and I took the car to Lapak's and left it there. Luckily for me we have a spare car - the green Taurus. So I bring that back to Aberdeen. On my way to town I come up with the idea that the class that I missed is a back to back class so I'll just go to the next one. I head to NSU, walk into the classroom - its the same teacher but a different class - so that didn't work so well and I ended up looking like a goofball. By now I'm slightly annoyed. I pull up to my apt and am thinking - at least I'll get some homework done - but as I'm walking into the building I'm thinking its way dark in here. Much darker than usual. That's because the power was out in the building. Not only was it out in my apartment but the entire area south of Mellgaard (I believe). Apparently an electrical transformer blew...so I was without power...meaning I couldn't get my homework done on the computer so I laid down on my bed to read a book and fell asleep. I didn't wake up til like 5:15 which is 15 mins late to pick up T. It was a pretty crazy day.

Tonight when I went to pick up T - I was right on time 5pm. I was talking to J and T walked down off the deck - he usually does - but then I hear him scream. He had slipped on the ice and cut his cheek. It look more like a puncture wound. I think he must have hit a pointy part in the ice. I thought to myself - I better take him to the ER just in case. Well I'm glad I did because he ended up getting liquid stitches. The doctor said this way is better for kids like T and the good thing is no needles. T is doing fine and I am glad I followed my instincts and took him in.

Things will be better tomorrow - right?! Saturday I'm getting a new tattoo so that will be FUN!

Jesus was a ???

I got the following in an e-mail today. I thought that I would post it here because it is just that cute. I am a Christain. Having said that - read below:

There are 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother .
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

There are 3 good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

There are 3 good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

There are 3 good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

There are 3 good arguments that Jesus was  Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence - 3 good arguments that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.

That is just too cute! Hope you all enjoyed it. Have a wonderful day!

Thanksgiving

Ok - So I am a little behind but here goes....

For my Thanksgiving I went to Brandt to have Thanksgiving dinner with my mom's family. It was a good time...it usually is with those people. There was approx 70 of us there. At Christmas there will be even more people! We had a wonderful dinner and thanks to Randee we were able to stay at the Comfort Inn in Watertown. When we go to the motel the kids wanted to go swimming - us big kids too - that is always fun.

After we all went to bed...the phone rings. Its Randee. She is in town visiting her boyfriend - Eric's family. Her and Eric are hanging out with two of Eric's friends - Jon and BJ. Well they invite me to come hang out with them. A crazy twist was that I already knew Jon. I met him when went to school at DSU...so that was a little unexpected.

Then on Friday...we went to visit my Grandma in the Nursing Home. That was pretty tough but she was actually doing pretty well. She was able to talk to us and carry on a semi-conversation.

Next came the shopping. We went to Super Walmart and got almost all our Christmas shopping done!! Yay for us!!

All in all it was a good Thanksgiving!

in pain...

So leave it to me to do the following...

T's beds were debunked. I usually rebunk them myself. However, today was quite a challenge. The beds wouldn't bunk...they kept getting stuck together. I was getting rather frusterated and I picked up the top bunk with some pretty good force...but then it managed to turn over and knock me back onto the ground and then land on me. So now my back doesn't feel very good and I have a major bruise on my right shoulder and on my right leg...needless to say it doesn't feel so good. Still throbbing...

Yeah - only my luck!

After Awhile...

After awhile you learn
the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn’t mean leaning
and company doesn’t always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with grace of a woman
not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way
of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn
that even sunshine burns if you ask too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
that you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye
you learn…

by: Veronica Shaffstall

My thoughts on this quote...
This quote was given to me about 8 years ago. It was the right quote for me at the right time. Life has a way of doing that...you see...I had it hanging up in my bedroom at my parent's house from the time I was 16 and then I took it down to bring it into my new place (when I was about 20), well it never made it and completely forgot about it.
Then just yesterday...I stumbled upon it mixed in with a bunch of stuff I brought into my apt. It made me stop and think...really hard. I have been through many difficult situations in my life during the past 4-6 years. I have learned that I really am a strong woman and that I can "endure". My parents got a divorce. My sister had a baby with a jerk. I became a single mother. I went through the experience of being angry with the baby's father for leaving me hanging. I have learned to accept the situation between me and the father. My best friends both moved out of town - forcing me to meet new people...can you imagine! My sister had another baby - with another jerk - AHH men! I had to take a breake from school - a few of them actually. My sister's good friend passed away in an airplane crash and it really affected my sister - and me. My best friend lost her Grandpa and it was really hard watching her go through that. I lost my Grandpa - the only one I even knew - On May 8, 2005 (Mother's Day). I have had to take yeat ANOTHER break from school. My Grandma (the one that was married to the Grandpa that passed away)is really sick...and no one really knows how much time she has left.
[About my Grandma: You see my Grandpa passed away in May and my Grandma has been getting more and more ill. I have had many conversations with my mom about my Grandma and how she is doing. She isn't doing so good. She hasn't eaten like more than 5 meals since August and she doesn't really remember anyone. Grandma has Alzheimer's Disease and it has really gotten the better of her. I believe that this quote and that it will help me to get through the next few months (maybe years - who really knows).]
Somehow I have managed to make it through all life has been throwing my way. I am proud of everything I have overcome and I know that I will be able to make it through.
Mother Teresa said it best when she said "I know God promises not to give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much."

"Are you..."

"Are you humbly greatful? Or grumbly hateful?" - Pastor Roland Smith

When I think about this quote it makes me really think. I often times tend to be the kind of person that can find just about anything to complain about. I cannot imagine that one would enjoy spending time with someone who would complain if their soup was too hot or their icecream too cold. Somewhere in the world there is always going to be someone better off and someone worse off then you.

This realy came into play for me today...with my whole tire mishaps. All I wanted to do was gripe about it. I am not saying that it wasn't a downer on my mood or anything...cuz it definately was. However, I was able to remember to thank God that I had a running car that was able to be driven into a curb so the tire could break. I also thanked God that it happened when and where it did. If it wouldn't have happened near Jodi's house...her husband would not have helped me change the tire. I also thanked God that we happened to have a spare car in town for me to drive until I get new tires. How many people can really say that. Most people have a hard time when it comes to car trouble because they have one one to turn to - let alone and extra car just sitting around.

After it is all said and done...and the day has come to a close...I can honestly say that I am glad that my tire blew (and my spare was flat - and I almost ruined it). Without all those events unfolding...I might not have ended my day so greatful to God for the smaller things in life...that I know I tend to overlook most of the time!

Priorities...

As a 24 year old single mother...I have been doing a lot of thinking. I really need to get my priorities straightened out.

On one side...
Its like I want to be a regular 24 year old - going out and having a good time. I want to be young and have fun. Go out every weekend, dance, drink, and maybe even shoot pool. I want to just let go of all my responsibilities and PARTY! I want to be like most of my friends who can just do what they want when they want becaus they want.

On the other side...
As a mother...I want to stay home and hang with Trent and just have a good time being a mommy. Its so much fun just being with him and I need to give him more of my time. I need to be the one spending weekend nights with him and not a sitter. It is so important for him at this age to have my attention.

Its a constant game of tug-a-war and I am sorry to say that lately going out has been number one on my "weekend to do list".

I need to learn how to balance my life as a single mother, a friend, and a 24 year old. The items on my list of priorities are definately going to be doing some moving around.

my day today

when I went to pick up trenton and hit the curb and blew my tired...
had to change my tire to the spare...
the spare was totally flat...
I didn't realize that until after I started driving on it...
drove on a flat to the gas station to fill it...
couldn't fill it with air...
the air just blew out the back...
then I had to take the spare off...
get it fixed...
put it back on...
I still need a tire...
GRR

Kids say...

Kids say the funniest things ever!

So today I was at Walmart with S, J and T. We were walking around and getting what we needed. T being the cutie-pie that he is - seeing a man in a cowboy hat - says "HI, McDonald!" I was so embarrassed. The man's wife started chuckling. I said "I'm so sorry."- trying not to laugh. The man said, ‘It’s okay. I can be McDonald.” His wife said - ‘He was calling you Old McDonald’ - and the man laughed. I was kinda embarrassed...but it was SO cute!

All I can say is - KIDS!

Starting to freak

So ok. I have been under an insane amount of stress lately and I haven't freaked out...yet.

I am really starting to feel the crunch. I was told two days before school started this semester that I would not be able to attend. I lost my financial aid...again...crap. So now I am left wondering what is going to happen to me, what I need to be doing, where I should be, where am I going to work, how am I going to manage. Yeah - I'm "starting to freak". Just thinking about everything that I have to figure out is making my stomach churn. I don't know what to do or what to think or how I am going to manage.

I know that in the whole scheme of life...to many people especially right now with the Hurricane Katrina issues...this may not seem like a big deal...but lemme tell you...it sucks. I just wish that I could wave a magic wand and make everything change. I feel like I need to just snap outta it - but I'm not even sure what I am in that I need to get out of...this is totally confusing and isn't making my stomach feel any better.

I went and picked up applications around town today - and will be doing the same thing tomorrow. I am just really fearful that nothing will work out. I guess I am losing hope. I am wondering if I shouldn't just stay home this semester...I will have enough $ to get by without working - but I will have to pull Trent out of Jodi's. I don't want to do that!

WHERE IS MY FAIRY GOD-MOTHER WHEN I NEED HER? Sleeping Beauty had 3 of them - you would think she would be kind enough to share!!!

Anyway...more on this problem later...I'm freaking out more now than I was when I started this...not good...gonna go have some popcorn and watch a happy movie!

I'M OUT

A WONDERFUL SUPRISE!!!

So my sister can definitely keep quiet! My best friend was coming to town and my sister didn't even tell me!!! I about hit the floor when I saw my friend!! It was so crazy! They really got me good! I don't understand how they can sneek behind my back and not even end up slipping a little bit! YOU GUYS ARE GOOD!

It has been a great weekend and its only Saturday! Today is gonna rock too and TONIGHT will be "da BOMB"! I am SUPER EXCITED!

Thanks guys for the WONDERFUL suprise!!

Last can of...

I am currently eating my last can of chicken and stars soup...how sad is that? I love them so much and now they are gone...I think I might cry.

So I was thinking they have pop vending machines...why don't they have soup vending machines? C'mon don't you think it would catch on. I mean gosh...you are hungry - hit the nearest soup machine and save the hassel of going to the store...Thats an idea! I should patent that! I could make millions of dollars selling soup. I mean really - you can rent DVD's at some McDonalds! What about my soup!?!?! Doesn't anyone else see the need for this?!?!

Imagine for a moment - You are walking down the side walk with tree quarters in your pocket and find a shiny quarter on the gound and you are thinking - MAN I'm HUNGRY - but all I have is four lousy quarters with the one I just found...what will that buy? SOUP MACHINE TO THE RESCUE! (*Like ready to eat soup that comes out in like 20 oz bottles already warm. Stores them and warms them up instantly when you buy it.) Its better for you than pop, more filling and makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Pop just makes you more thirsty and on top of that - now you have the burps - thanks all in part to the pop machine!

I'm telling you - Its going to be the newest CRAZ! Just wait and see - and remember - You heard it HERE first!

*Added per suggestions from Shannon and Sarah to help clarify.

Stupid people suck...

Grr...some people are just SO friggen stupid!

Ok, so my cousin - Eric - was at this wedding dance this weekend...He was talking to this girl and this guy gets mad. This guy hits Eric...gives him a black eye, a broken nose and a broken jaw! What a jerk! They are probably going to have to wire Eric's jaw shut so that it can heal properly!

An added tidbit...the guy who hit Eric is the son of the guy that hit my dad and gave him his black eye back in high school...apparently the fam-damn should go to

ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES!!


If you are reading this...please keep Eric in your thoughts and prayers. Thanks!

Ok - its been awhile - a long while

Ok - so a lot has happened since I last added a post to my blog.

On May 8th, 2005 (Mother's Day) my Grandpa passed away.

On May 9th, 2005 T turned 3!!!

On May 21st, 2005 ST and AR passed away as a result of a terrible car accident. (Another woman passed away too - but I didn't know her.)

On May 25th, 2005 I got a letter telling me I lost financial aid - and its really dumb but whatever - I can apeal it and whatnot but its just the thought. How am I supposed to get school done if they keep taking away my funding?!?!

Summer is only starting and I am so ready for it to be over!!

my new tattoo

So I'm living life on the edge. Last last friday (April 1st, 2005) I got my second tattoo. I love it!

I'll add a picture later - I gotta run.

The Man in the Glass

The Man in the Glass
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.

For it isn’t your father or mother or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass.
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.

You may be like Jack Horner and chisel a plum
And think you’re a wonderful guy.
But the man in the glass says you’re only a bum
If you can’t look him straight in the eye.

He’s the fellow to please – never mind all the rest,
For he’s with you clear to the end.
And you’ve passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend

You may fool the whole word down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you’ve cheated the man in the glass.
~Anonymous

This past weekend I attended two wedding dances for people from my high school. Needless to say - I saw a bunch of people from high school this weekend. It is always a challenge for me to see these people. I never felt like I really fit in. High school was a real trying time in my life. I realize now that I was/am just as much to blame for excluding myself. I see my old classmates now and its amazing that I can talk to some of them. I always felt so intimidated and not worthy. I know so much more now. I guess that is part of growing up and getting older.
The reason for the poem: I was looking through my senior yearbook - counting all the people that have gotten married and whatnot - and this poem was within the front cover. I remember putting it there years ago. I put it there to remind myself - everytime I look at that yearbook - to let it go. I don't want to look back and harbor any harsh feelings towards the select few that tried hard to make my life miserable. (Side note: These people know who they are...and chances are if you are reading this I kept in touch with you and you are not one of these people.)
It doesn't matter what people thought about me or think about me today. What does matter is what I think about me.
Some time ago I came to the realization that I wasn't going anywhere so I better just get used to it.
Yes I typed that sentence correctly...take a minute and read it again if you need to...I'll wait...OK now that you are sure you understood that sentence I'll continue on. For the longest time I was my biggest enemy. In high school - I tried to beat people to the punch line. When I thought someone was going to make a comment about me I tried to beat them to it. I had learned early on that slams don't hurt so much when you are the one doing the slamming. That defense mechanism works for awhile but then you become your own biggest enemy. Now seven years later - I am finally at peace with myself and with the ones who hurt me. As for me - I am friends with myself and I love life. My life isn't perfect - but it is mine and I am cool with that. As for the ones that hurt me the most - I hope your life is as good as mine.

Thoughts on quotes

I will be doing random posts about quotes. These posts will consist of me thinking deeply about a quote that I found particularly interesting.

**This is where the Deep But Not Profound comes in!! **

Enjoy.

Procrastination...

So I am one of those people that likes to wait till the last minute. I don't know if it is because I like the rush or what. I do know that this has to stop. I need to allow myself to succeed and get stuff done on time. I do not enjoy being late and yet I always do what I can to make myself be late.

Maybe I have some kind of weird biological disorder that makes me late. I wonder if that is possible. Could I be wired differently? I guess it could be but I would doubt it. I think that I am just looking for a reason why I procrastinate and make myself CRAZY while I scurring to get my stuff done. It has to stop and that is all I know!

Its already been a month...

It is already been a month since I have posted last. A lot has happened…

Classes started on January 11th. They are going pretty good. I enjoy my classes for the most part. I just wish that I didn't have to take 3 out of the 4 I am taking. I like 3 out of the 4 teachers so that helps a lot.

OH OH...a bit of news. I said "Screw You" to a PROFESSOR! Yeah - that sure turned my face red. He was giving me grief and I just said what I would say to a friend. I said it in a joking manner...but I am still embarassed. He laughed and thought it pretty funny...so that was good.

I am starting to make an effort to get out and meet new people. Not that there is anything wrong with the people I already knew...its just that one can never have too many friends. I am looking forward to developing some of these friendships.

I guess I should be doing homework instead of blogging...so I will go for now.