in pain...

So leave it to me to do the following...

T's beds were debunked. I usually rebunk them myself. However, today was quite a challenge. The beds wouldn't bunk...they kept getting stuck together. I was getting rather frusterated and I picked up the top bunk with some pretty good force...but then it managed to turn over and knock me back onto the ground and then land on me. So now my back doesn't feel very good and I have a major bruise on my right shoulder and on my right leg...needless to say it doesn't feel so good. Still throbbing...

Yeah - only my luck!

After Awhile...

After awhile you learn
the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn’t mean leaning
and company doesn’t always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with grace of a woman
not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way
of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn
that even sunshine burns if you ask too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
that you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye
you learn…

by: Veronica Shaffstall

My thoughts on this quote...
This quote was given to me about 8 years ago. It was the right quote for me at the right time. Life has a way of doing that...you see...I had it hanging up in my bedroom at my parent's house from the time I was 16 and then I took it down to bring it into my new place (when I was about 20), well it never made it and completely forgot about it.
Then just yesterday...I stumbled upon it mixed in with a bunch of stuff I brought into my apt. It made me stop and think...really hard. I have been through many difficult situations in my life during the past 4-6 years. I have learned that I really am a strong woman and that I can "endure". My parents got a divorce. My sister had a baby with a jerk. I became a single mother. I went through the experience of being angry with the baby's father for leaving me hanging. I have learned to accept the situation between me and the father. My best friends both moved out of town - forcing me to meet new people...can you imagine! My sister had another baby - with another jerk - AHH men! I had to take a breake from school - a few of them actually. My sister's good friend passed away in an airplane crash and it really affected my sister - and me. My best friend lost her Grandpa and it was really hard watching her go through that. I lost my Grandpa - the only one I even knew - On May 8, 2005 (Mother's Day). I have had to take yeat ANOTHER break from school. My Grandma (the one that was married to the Grandpa that passed away)is really sick...and no one really knows how much time she has left.
[About my Grandma: You see my Grandpa passed away in May and my Grandma has been getting more and more ill. I have had many conversations with my mom about my Grandma and how she is doing. She isn't doing so good. She hasn't eaten like more than 5 meals since August and she doesn't really remember anyone. Grandma has Alzheimer's Disease and it has really gotten the better of her. I believe that this quote and that it will help me to get through the next few months (maybe years - who really knows).]
Somehow I have managed to make it through all life has been throwing my way. I am proud of everything I have overcome and I know that I will be able to make it through.
Mother Teresa said it best when she said "I know God promises not to give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much."

"Are you..."

"Are you humbly greatful? Or grumbly hateful?" - Pastor Roland Smith

When I think about this quote it makes me really think. I often times tend to be the kind of person that can find just about anything to complain about. I cannot imagine that one would enjoy spending time with someone who would complain if their soup was too hot or their icecream too cold. Somewhere in the world there is always going to be someone better off and someone worse off then you.

This realy came into play for me today...with my whole tire mishaps. All I wanted to do was gripe about it. I am not saying that it wasn't a downer on my mood or anything...cuz it definately was. However, I was able to remember to thank God that I had a running car that was able to be driven into a curb so the tire could break. I also thanked God that it happened when and where it did. If it wouldn't have happened near Jodi's house...her husband would not have helped me change the tire. I also thanked God that we happened to have a spare car in town for me to drive until I get new tires. How many people can really say that. Most people have a hard time when it comes to car trouble because they have one one to turn to - let alone and extra car just sitting around.

After it is all said and done...and the day has come to a close...I can honestly say that I am glad that my tire blew (and my spare was flat - and I almost ruined it). Without all those events unfolding...I might not have ended my day so greatful to God for the smaller things in life...that I know I tend to overlook most of the time!

Priorities...

As a 24 year old single mother...I have been doing a lot of thinking. I really need to get my priorities straightened out.

On one side...
Its like I want to be a regular 24 year old - going out and having a good time. I want to be young and have fun. Go out every weekend, dance, drink, and maybe even shoot pool. I want to just let go of all my responsibilities and PARTY! I want to be like most of my friends who can just do what they want when they want becaus they want.

On the other side...
As a mother...I want to stay home and hang with Trent and just have a good time being a mommy. Its so much fun just being with him and I need to give him more of my time. I need to be the one spending weekend nights with him and not a sitter. It is so important for him at this age to have my attention.

Its a constant game of tug-a-war and I am sorry to say that lately going out has been number one on my "weekend to do list".

I need to learn how to balance my life as a single mother, a friend, and a 24 year old. The items on my list of priorities are definately going to be doing some moving around.

my day today

when I went to pick up trenton and hit the curb and blew my tired...
had to change my tire to the spare...
the spare was totally flat...
I didn't realize that until after I started driving on it...
drove on a flat to the gas station to fill it...
couldn't fill it with air...
the air just blew out the back...
then I had to take the spare off...
get it fixed...
put it back on...
I still need a tire...
GRR

Kids say...

Kids say the funniest things ever!

So today I was at Walmart with S, J and T. We were walking around and getting what we needed. T being the cutie-pie that he is - seeing a man in a cowboy hat - says "HI, McDonald!" I was so embarrassed. The man's wife started chuckling. I said "I'm so sorry."- trying not to laugh. The man said, ‘It’s okay. I can be McDonald.” His wife said - ‘He was calling you Old McDonald’ - and the man laughed. I was kinda embarrassed...but it was SO cute!

All I can say is - KIDS!

Starting to freak

So ok. I have been under an insane amount of stress lately and I haven't freaked out...yet.

I am really starting to feel the crunch. I was told two days before school started this semester that I would not be able to attend. I lost my financial aid...again...crap. So now I am left wondering what is going to happen to me, what I need to be doing, where I should be, where am I going to work, how am I going to manage. Yeah - I'm "starting to freak". Just thinking about everything that I have to figure out is making my stomach churn. I don't know what to do or what to think or how I am going to manage.

I know that in the whole scheme of life...to many people especially right now with the Hurricane Katrina issues...this may not seem like a big deal...but lemme tell you...it sucks. I just wish that I could wave a magic wand and make everything change. I feel like I need to just snap outta it - but I'm not even sure what I am in that I need to get out of...this is totally confusing and isn't making my stomach feel any better.

I went and picked up applications around town today - and will be doing the same thing tomorrow. I am just really fearful that nothing will work out. I guess I am losing hope. I am wondering if I shouldn't just stay home this semester...I will have enough $ to get by without working - but I will have to pull Trent out of Jodi's. I don't want to do that!

WHERE IS MY FAIRY GOD-MOTHER WHEN I NEED HER? Sleeping Beauty had 3 of them - you would think she would be kind enough to share!!!

Anyway...more on this problem later...I'm freaking out more now than I was when I started this...not good...gonna go have some popcorn and watch a happy movie!

I'M OUT

A WONDERFUL SUPRISE!!!

So my sister can definitely keep quiet! My best friend was coming to town and my sister didn't even tell me!!! I about hit the floor when I saw my friend!! It was so crazy! They really got me good! I don't understand how they can sneek behind my back and not even end up slipping a little bit! YOU GUYS ARE GOOD!

It has been a great weekend and its only Saturday! Today is gonna rock too and TONIGHT will be "da BOMB"! I am SUPER EXCITED!

Thanks guys for the WONDERFUL suprise!!

Last can of...

I am currently eating my last can of chicken and stars soup...how sad is that? I love them so much and now they are gone...I think I might cry.

So I was thinking they have pop vending machines...why don't they have soup vending machines? C'mon don't you think it would catch on. I mean gosh...you are hungry - hit the nearest soup machine and save the hassel of going to the store...Thats an idea! I should patent that! I could make millions of dollars selling soup. I mean really - you can rent DVD's at some McDonalds! What about my soup!?!?! Doesn't anyone else see the need for this?!?!

Imagine for a moment - You are walking down the side walk with tree quarters in your pocket and find a shiny quarter on the gound and you are thinking - MAN I'm HUNGRY - but all I have is four lousy quarters with the one I just found...what will that buy? SOUP MACHINE TO THE RESCUE! (*Like ready to eat soup that comes out in like 20 oz bottles already warm. Stores them and warms them up instantly when you buy it.) Its better for you than pop, more filling and makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Pop just makes you more thirsty and on top of that - now you have the burps - thanks all in part to the pop machine!

I'm telling you - Its going to be the newest CRAZ! Just wait and see - and remember - You heard it HERE first!

*Added per suggestions from Shannon and Sarah to help clarify.

Stupid people suck...

Grr...some people are just SO friggen stupid!

Ok, so my cousin - Eric - was at this wedding dance this weekend...He was talking to this girl and this guy gets mad. This guy hits Eric...gives him a black eye, a broken nose and a broken jaw! What a jerk! They are probably going to have to wire Eric's jaw shut so that it can heal properly!

An added tidbit...the guy who hit Eric is the son of the guy that hit my dad and gave him his black eye back in high school...apparently the fam-damn should go to

ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES!!


If you are reading this...please keep Eric in your thoughts and prayers. Thanks!

Ok - its been awhile - a long while

Ok - so a lot has happened since I last added a post to my blog.

On May 8th, 2005 (Mother's Day) my Grandpa passed away.

On May 9th, 2005 T turned 3!!!

On May 21st, 2005 ST and AR passed away as a result of a terrible car accident. (Another woman passed away too - but I didn't know her.)

On May 25th, 2005 I got a letter telling me I lost financial aid - and its really dumb but whatever - I can apeal it and whatnot but its just the thought. How am I supposed to get school done if they keep taking away my funding?!?!

Summer is only starting and I am so ready for it to be over!!

my new tattoo

So I'm living life on the edge. Last last friday (April 1st, 2005) I got my second tattoo. I love it!

I'll add a picture later - I gotta run.

The Man in the Glass

The Man in the Glass
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.

For it isn’t your father or mother or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass.
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.

You may be like Jack Horner and chisel a plum
And think you’re a wonderful guy.
But the man in the glass says you’re only a bum
If you can’t look him straight in the eye.

He’s the fellow to please – never mind all the rest,
For he’s with you clear to the end.
And you’ve passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend

You may fool the whole word down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you’ve cheated the man in the glass.
~Anonymous

This past weekend I attended two wedding dances for people from my high school. Needless to say - I saw a bunch of people from high school this weekend. It is always a challenge for me to see these people. I never felt like I really fit in. High school was a real trying time in my life. I realize now that I was/am just as much to blame for excluding myself. I see my old classmates now and its amazing that I can talk to some of them. I always felt so intimidated and not worthy. I know so much more now. I guess that is part of growing up and getting older.
The reason for the poem: I was looking through my senior yearbook - counting all the people that have gotten married and whatnot - and this poem was within the front cover. I remember putting it there years ago. I put it there to remind myself - everytime I look at that yearbook - to let it go. I don't want to look back and harbor any harsh feelings towards the select few that tried hard to make my life miserable. (Side note: These people know who they are...and chances are if you are reading this I kept in touch with you and you are not one of these people.)
It doesn't matter what people thought about me or think about me today. What does matter is what I think about me.
Some time ago I came to the realization that I wasn't going anywhere so I better just get used to it.
Yes I typed that sentence correctly...take a minute and read it again if you need to...I'll wait...OK now that you are sure you understood that sentence I'll continue on. For the longest time I was my biggest enemy. In high school - I tried to beat people to the punch line. When I thought someone was going to make a comment about me I tried to beat them to it. I had learned early on that slams don't hurt so much when you are the one doing the slamming. That defense mechanism works for awhile but then you become your own biggest enemy. Now seven years later - I am finally at peace with myself and with the ones who hurt me. As for me - I am friends with myself and I love life. My life isn't perfect - but it is mine and I am cool with that. As for the ones that hurt me the most - I hope your life is as good as mine.

Thoughts on quotes

I will be doing random posts about quotes. These posts will consist of me thinking deeply about a quote that I found particularly interesting.

**This is where the Deep But Not Profound comes in!! **

Enjoy.

Procrastination...

So I am one of those people that likes to wait till the last minute. I don't know if it is because I like the rush or what. I do know that this has to stop. I need to allow myself to succeed and get stuff done on time. I do not enjoy being late and yet I always do what I can to make myself be late.

Maybe I have some kind of weird biological disorder that makes me late. I wonder if that is possible. Could I be wired differently? I guess it could be but I would doubt it. I think that I am just looking for a reason why I procrastinate and make myself CRAZY while I scurring to get my stuff done. It has to stop and that is all I know!

Its already been a month...

It is already been a month since I have posted last. A lot has happened…

Classes started on January 11th. They are going pretty good. I enjoy my classes for the most part. I just wish that I didn't have to take 3 out of the 4 I am taking. I like 3 out of the 4 teachers so that helps a lot.

OH OH...a bit of news. I said "Screw You" to a PROFESSOR! Yeah - that sure turned my face red. He was giving me grief and I just said what I would say to a friend. I said it in a joking manner...but I am still embarassed. He laughed and thought it pretty funny...so that was good.

I am starting to make an effort to get out and meet new people. Not that there is anything wrong with the people I already knew...its just that one can never have too many friends. I am looking forward to developing some of these friendships.

I guess I should be doing homework instead of blogging...so I will go for now.

So...there I was...

So there I was talking to myself again (not an uncommon thing if you know me). Its amazing what kind of conversations one can have with oneself! I seem to crack myself up all the time. I was sitting there thinking about energy and the power it has...and stuff like that. I was thinking of a energy power source (you may not understand...someday you will though). Anyway...I said to myself..."You mean that swirling vortex of terror. Of course you do!" (Nemo's Dad-Marlin-says that in the movie Finding Nemo when he is talking about getting of the EAC - East Australian Current). It was sooo funny. I would say that you had to be there but I was really the only one there but it cracked me up.

It made me think of the turtle - Crush - and how cool he is. He is "A hundred and fifty dude and still young!" I hope that I am like that when I get old. I would prefer not to see 150...but who knows...stranger things have happened. I hope that I always remember this moment I had enjoying being in my own presence. It is something that many of us take for granted. The joy of being ourselves with ourselves. Many times we try to change and become something that we are not just to fit in...some of us even do that when we are around ourselves. Its crazy how uncomfortable one can be in their own skin. If people just remembered how important it is to live life in the moment. Every breath we take should be celebrated!! So as my sister would say..."Party Righteous"!

Life...rememberance, an accident and a HERO!

Ok - so one year and two days ago (January 1, 2004), my sister's friend died in an airplane crash in Montana. It has been really had for me to get over and understand. So New Year's Eve was much more emotional than I thought it was going to be. During the countdown I found myself getting less and less excited...when those LONG 10 seconds were over...it was final. The first year without Jess had just passed by. HOW INSANE. I composed myself and had a few more drinks and was more than ready to go home when the bar closed at 2am.

January 1, 2005

I wake up about 12:30pm...feeling pretty hung over. I get up and get packed for a family Christmas party. Leave town around 2ish (pm). Get on the road for the 2 hour drive. The weather was pretty awful. It was raining and freezing to my windshield. I went through two bottles of de-icer...gotta love South Dakota!

(During the drive I think about Jess and the fact that she has been gone a year. I think about her mom and hope she is doing ok.)

Approx. 3 hours later I arrive at my intended destination.

My 2 year old son, T, decides he wants to go swimming with my sister, Spanky-(12) and his cousin, J-(3) and a bunch of other family members. He goes down the big waterslide a few times with Spanky and plays in the little kids pool and goes down that slide about a million times. About an hour after he started swimming my mom asked me where T is. I look over to where he was just MOMENTS...like 2 seconds...ago. I realize that I don't know where he is. My heart sinks. I am frantically looking around the BIG pool area to see if I can catch a glimps of him. Next thing I know...Spanky says "KATIE HE IS IN THAT BIG POOL" My heart stops beating...I am thinking "my baby can't swim!" We both run towards the pool. Before I get over to the big pool from where I was standing by the baby pool (which was like 10 steps tops)...my cousin, A, (who happens to be standing next to the big pool) realizes that T can't swim. A jumps into the pool, fully clothed, and saves my baby and manages to get out of the pool before I even make it to the big pool. (30 seconds tops!)

I am in shock. I see how high up the water is on A's chest. Thoughts are just RACING through my head. The first thing I think is OH MY GOD MY BABY IS OK!! The next thing that crosses my mind was...I SWEAR...A RUINED HIS SHOES! (Leave it to a girl to worry about shoes!) I have to leave the pool area. I wasn't even able to thank Adam for his act of kindness. I couldn't speak. T seems fine but I am completely out of it. I am thinking about the "what if's". I am shaking and SO scared! My mom comes and tries to comfort me and so does my sister, S, and my aunt, J-A's mom. My mom and J leave with T...they want to get him right back into the water so he doesn't become scared of it. S leaves too...at some point and then comes back about 15-20min later with A and J.

I look at A. I just start to cry again and I give him a hug. I tell him "Words cannot even begin to express the gratitude I feel towards you. Thank you just doesn't seem like enough". A said "Its ok. You don't have to cry. You would have done the same thing if you saw someone else's child. You don't need to say anything." I just hugged him and then tried to compose myself...again.

I have never been so afraid in my whole life. I almost lost my baby!

A is definatly my HERO! I am so thankful that he realized that T couldn't swim. I can't imagine life without my son!

I realize a few hours after the incident...that A had his new (a few months old) cell phone attached to his hip. It is totally ruined. I guess it is insured so he shouldn't have to buy a new one. (If for any reason he has to...I'll figure out a way to help him pay for it.) A said he would have rather saved my baby than his phone. I'm like "good call". (No pun intended!)

I know that this accident has bought so much into perspective for me. I realize, now more than ever, that I need to let go of the little things. I need to quit worrying so much. Maybe...just maybe...T learned that he is not invincible!

Merry Christmas Eve...

So the house is all decked out with Christmas decorations and every one is excited for tomorrow's gift opening.

During all this Holiday Spirit I realized that I have so much to be thankful for in my life:
*A WONDERFUL FAMILY
*AWESOME FRIENDS
*A roof over my head (with heat)
*Parents that still get along enough to celebrate Christmas together even
though they are no longer married
*The ablility to celebrate Christmas and not be shot at while doing it.

I am so looking forward to 2005. You can expect to see changes in me during my

"Simplfy in 2005"

Come back to see my success!!

Me and T's Dad

[T is my son] (Jason is T's Dad)

So today...J came and took T for his family Christmas party thingy. J and I still get along pretty well. A lot of people don't understand how we do it. We obviously liked each other enough to create a child and so we remain friends so that T can have the opportunity to know his biological father and that side of his family.

Back to today...
My friend said to me "You and J are like an ex-husband and wife that still get along." It is so weird...but its kinda true. I mean we never married or anything...but we are polite to one another and stuff. I don't know how else to explain it. People often ask me how my relationship with T's father is...until today...I didn't have an answer. Now I will just tell them what my friend said..."We're like an ex-married couple that still gets along for the child."

Its CRAZY! But its so true!

so I used to be good at this

So I don't exactly know what has happened to me. I don't know if it is the kid, the time of day that I do this, or just that I am starting to suck. I used to be funny and people would read my rambles to see what I would come up with next.

I guess maybe it is the lack of the caffeine induced, 3 AM, write a ramble that has occured on this website...nevertheless...do not fear...

I have decided to just go with the flow on this like I used to. Maybe I am afraid that more people are going to read this than ever read my rambles...

at anyrate...

I shall return. I mean really - how else are my fingers going to say buff?!?! haha

This is better than the Rambles!

So when I first started my webpage...I had a Rambles location. It was a place I used to just ramble about whatever I felt like talking about. I have decided that this format will be much more suitable for my rambles location. For those of you that are interested...I will still have my Rambles available on my website.

I really enjoy rambling. I think it is because I often have a whole bunch of stuff going on in my head and its a great way to get it all out. I don't really say anything important...but I get to talk! I don't really have a whole lot to say right now. I just wante to get this blog set up and started.

Make sure you keep coming back for more!! It will only get better from here....be prepared.